Bashful Bandi and Beatrice Buttercup-A Romantic Love Letter

Dear Beatrice Buttercups,

My love, my angel-delight, I see you from afar, in that frosted fruit bowl of cut glass.

You are like the sun. Close up you are as yellow as the twinkly stars in the sky, as childlike as the elves in the garden center.

Your skin is so delicately jaundiced, you drive me wild. You make me want to hang up my scalping knife and end my cannibalistic ways.

There is no other banana that I would rather eat. Your smooth skin, I wish to caress. I wish to place you in the most beautiful sundae boat and together we can go sailing towards that infinite sunset.

I want to smother you in whipped cream my dear. I have often dream of you, sliding out of your beautiful yellow skin to expose the pale, soft skin beneath. Your nubile, fruity body, I wish to taste your bananoffe pie.

But wait! How will we do it my love? Your lack of sexual genitalia is most disturbing.

But no, we shall improvise! To the Grocery section at Sainsburies!



All my love,

Bandi 


Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii xx

Dog Fight-A Bedtime Poem

See them all lined up
Squaring off one another
Father mother, sister, brother
Fleas and dirt bags, bad guys alike

Pugs and basset hounds with great big lugs
Watch them flapping, just flapping in that morose wind 
Its a showdown at the okay coral
Its no hounds land at the doggy pound
Bare your teeth and stand your ground

'Ain't no hound Left standin'
At the Doggy Okay Coral

   'Brothers, sisters! At my command Throw your dog bowls into the air and take a stand'

General Winston barks, walking up and down his fleet of men
Regal air of a wronged man, a hairy bulldog
Much like your great aunt Glenn

'Death to the humans, the two leggers, the talkers!

Bare your teeth, and stand your ground
'Ain't no hound
Left standin'
At the coochie poochie Okay Coral

                                   Latest Photo Booth Shots.        
                        Ladies and  gents, this is my passport photo so I can't smile.

                                   Not that I would if I could have.

So, I been asked to write a regular slot for 'Bite Me News'. Wish somebody would fill my slot in. There's cobwebs over the cobwebs and the deadly widow's moved in, and  I 'aint seen my 'gunt for the past 10 years, though that could be to do with my steadily declining eye sight. I have not had 20-20 since I was fresh and  yanked screaming blue murder from my momma's womb, though I did  manage  a bit of slap and tickle that day.

I made an effort for my pictures. Sure, I dont go for the lip wax, I sport a dark 'tache, I'm not lucky enough to have either light hair or no hair. And I don't go for  all that Brazilian waxing. Its just not me. I;d rather have a nice, warm rug, kind of like a nice tea cosy, just blowin' in the wind.

I purchased a beautiful headband from Primark, the best that two quid could buy.

Ninja owl of doom


'He knows when you are sleeping

He knows when you at ease, at pleasure or face down in a pool of your own vomit

He knows what you're going to say before you even thought it.

He knows every dang dirty thought you ever had, every time you mentally undressed that bird on the front of Bored House Wives magazine, the one with the large baps and the gunt to match.

He knows, and Brown Owl, Big Bird Ninja of Doom judges you.

You dirty, dirty boy.

The owl is omnipotent, impotent and all knowing

Fear that little bi/ch owl. Because he's coming for you, and he's gonna jimmy your car and pop a cap in your ass

P.s, he left a big ass gift in your bird box. Relish it. It's gonna leave a mark.'

Conspiracy Corner Blog#2

Jeff Lange  .....Outspoken purveyor of truth. Power to the people!

Global Climate Change Hoax

What we have witnessed in recent years in regards to the Global-Warming epidemic with claims of rampant C02 emissions and mass pollution is in my humble opinion folks a complete smokescreen for the agenda of the Illuminati.  If you bother to do some research into the "Club of Rome" you will see that they had created this whole scenario to gather more control for the elite, to scare the masses and basically to bully the collective into submitting to their plan for domination.

“The common enemy of humanity is man.
In searching for a new enemy to unite us, we came up
with the idea that pollution, the threat of global warming,
water shortages, famine and the like would fit the bill. All these
dangers are caused by human intervention, and it is only through
changed attitudes and behavior that they can be overcome.
The real enemy then, is humanity itself.”
- Club of Rome,
premier environmental think-tank
consultants to the United Nations


You see they really want us to believe that we are a danger to ourselves and to the general state of the planet. This ties in neatly with their Mystery-Religion pantheistic concept of Gaia.  In essence they want Humans to be no more important than Sheep, while the Socialist  State will in effect be the shepherd.
The ultimate plan they have is for a mass-cull of the population, this Eugenics policy is nothing new and had been the ideal of the Nazis. You see, in their eyes if they can blame the over-population of the planet for the impending dangers relating to Global-warming then it is surely the next step for them to artificially create a doomsday scenario which can sweep away the unwanted masses of people.

The graph above shows that the main cause of the Greenhouse effect is in fact "Water Vapor"  With this information in mind i think it is of utmost importance that we tackle this problem at once. We seriously need to think about banning clouds. For far too long now these clouds have been creating havoc whilst at the same time  pretending that they are just floating about innocently. 
Has the Club of Rome given consideration to this? I doubt it, for clouds are not man-made and they want us to believe that it is our doing. And have they ever considered imposing a tax on the Bovine emissions of Methane, i think not.


Moon Details


Most of us go through our lives without ever giving consideration to the great mysteries of the Moon. But when you take into account the incredible anomalies which throw into doubt the origins and age of the Moon you are left with a major paradox.
All of the theories about the Moons age and history are really quite threadbare, some suggest that it was created by a collision with another planet, but this is really just another maybe in a long list of possibilities.  I urge you to do some research on the materials found on the Moon, you will find evidence to suggest that in fact the Moon is far older than the Earth itself. 
Plus, the elements found on it's surface are not naturally found. Various metallic elements for example which leaves one to seriously puzzle over just how "Natural" is the Moon.
I believe that N.A.S.A. have been lying to us for decades now about on just about everything concerning the Moon.  An enormous amount of pictures have been taken of it's surface over the years by them, but a good portion of them have certain details which have been smudged in trying to conceal certain things.  What things though?  Those researchers who have taken the time to uncover the details behind the smudges have helped us in making it clear that there are massive artificial structures on the Moon. What are these structures though? Are they Alien?  Are they the remnants of a long lost Human civilization which had evolved technologically enough but was suddenly wiped from the pages of history and from our collective memory?
My own guess is they they are Extra-Terrestrial in origin. Also the sheer size of these structures is quite mind-blowing. One being apparently ten times the size of Los Angeles. So it is clear that we are dealing here with a highly advanced technology.
There is a fabulous documentary which you must watch if you are interested in this topic. It is called "Moon Rising" and is really fascinating. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZ3wh2cjekE
In this film you will see that there appears to be all sorts of strange objects on the moon. Super-sized glass domes, metallic discs, towers perhaps even some pyramids.

For now ladies and gentlemen, take care and remember, the power is in your hands!...

Hare Hare! White Rabbit Hairy Heroine

White Rabbit reporting for 'Bite Me!' news

Grazing Gertie was just minutes away froman altogether untimely demise, if it had not been for myself, The White Rabbit, bounding into the rescue.

In this exclusive interview, I will be interviewing myself, giving you the lowdown on the shaved sheep.

White Rabbit: So White, in your own words, can you describe to us, the audience what happened?

White Rabbit: Well,, I was taking my daily stroll over to the local farmer's carrot patches to get my afternoon snacks. (We have an agreement, myself and Giles. I pinch as few carrots as possible, and he doesn't shoot me between the eyes) when I came across these..well..little bananas wearing what looked to be like loincloths and peaches wearing tiny, tiny little black triangle bikini's. Very odd. They were racing along to their colony I suspect, and they were holding up a sheep, which had been very crudely shaven. Next thing I know, the leader is striking  a match and preparing a spit-roast. I knew I had to act fast to save the sheep.

So, I call up a few of my fruit and veggie munching pals and they set to work, freeing the poor, shaved and shaken sheep.

 Unfortunately, the main banana, who seemed to be the leader and spoke in a gibberish tongue; and was very excitable, made off into the tree's swinging like a yellow, red lipped monkey, his pink butt on display. Gertie the Sheep was returned to her field, minus hair. The old ladies at he W.I very kindly knitted her a blue wollen wig.

Gertie, when asked about her ordeal, simply replied. 'Baah. I'm cooooold'

This is White Rabbit, reporting for 'Bite Me' news.

Report #4


Daphne Wild
''This is Daphne Wild, reporting for 'Bite me News'. ''

'It has come to out attention, that the murder suspect, responsible for the unfortunate supermarket scalping is in fact a banana that goes by the name of Bandi.He spends a lot of his time swinging in tree's making his favorite war chant. He has been seen biting various innocent  fruits, namely banana's and this seems to transmit some ind of virus into the victims, making them animate instead of inanimate. Some of these creatures then go on to join Bandi's colony, and some escape to form their own communities.'

A Refutation of the Chicken Universe

Xavier T. Dible  ... Head Of Philosophy And General Semantics In His Own Parallel Universe.

Dear Prof. Dinkwit, i have been following your career for many years now with great interest and i have been a huge admirer of your methods and discoveries. Your latest blog however concerning the apparent Chicken-based structure of the universe fills me with utter dread. I must take umbrage at your scholarship on this point. Where in fact did you get your supporting data?  You see in the accepted science of our day, we have came to the conclusion and this is can be demonstrated with experimentation and absolute clarity, that the universe is in fact a giant hologram, projected from the back of a massive Turtle. This aforementioned Turtle happens to reside in the bedroom of a little girl called Alice.
I find myself from time to time in quiet moments actually being able to hear the giggle of this girl, the haunting laughter of a girl who feeds the Turtle which projects the universe.
So, you see, either i am completely wrong on this one and that i have ingested far too many rare herbs or that you my honourable friend have completely missed the mark with your research.

Yours Holographically  Xavier T. Dible

The Day the Earth Hatched

Professor Dinkwit-Scientist at Leeds University


Recent studies have confirmed that not only is the world oval, as was once thought spherical, but also that the uinverse, that is, what some lazy scientists at NASA dubbed Dark Matter is actually the insides of a great big chicken.
We were, essentially in effect, passed by a very large chicken. Nobody knows how the chicken got there, or indeed what impregnated it but scientists have theorized that there must be a great big cockerel out there somewhere.


What came first the chicken or the egg? Well,Guess it was the chicken that came..first..


Alan Sugar is expected to sign a very lucrative deal with K.F.C this summer.


I will report more on this later.

My Two Cents #4 Quick Flash.


White Rabbit-The Font of all Knowledge-Illicit, explicit or otherwise.
Que's are about as sensible as a baby in a lion cage. You avoid it at all costs.

My Two Cents # 5 Quick Flash.
White Rabbit:
(Upon hearing the recording)
So. Nothing to worry about?

The White Rabbbit's Dating Site and Private Match Making Services.

'Let me find your love match here and you could be at it like little bunnies in a matter of days.

Bandi The Banana


Rogue Transmission #No . @!*!


Audible:


Translator:

Greetings my Fruitlings. You are all a fine bunch of fruit. Lovely indeed. Especially the coconuts.
I want to juice you all just gazing at you. My loyal subjects. Gather your teepee's and your tomahawks and together we will wage war on the human farmed fruits, the meek and gentle way of the loam, the vegetable and field. We will seprate the wheat from the chaff and we will peel those who dare to peel and eat us.
Take heed my friends,let me intro-juice you to your future.
Viva la Revolution!
Death to the human! And death to the tomato! They bring me out in a rash!

News Bulletin #No.1

....The Rabbit Reporting For Bite Me News....

Scalped Pineapple in Local Supermarket Murder Massacre. Murderer still at large.

Yesterday afternoon, just any other day in a busy supermarket, a sad incident occurred.

Just inches from the blushing tomatoes and the happy little grape vines, a hideous murder took place.

Percy the Pineapple had been scalped, his crown nailed to the dry foods section. He had reined over the grocery section for the last 10 years and now there will be a royal ceremony to crown the new king. More on this later. For now, the produce of Sainsburies are lighting a black candle in honour of Percy. Only one pear was melted during this ritual.


Friends and family of Percy say that he will be sadly missed.

Terra Blog#3

Prof: Quink

Urgent report to mission control.... THE FRUITLINGS HAVE ESCAPED!... I repeat the Fruitlings have escaped....I don't know the exact details of how they managed to get free but i can only speculate that when Prof. Junknut was doing the fruit ritual he lost control of them. He really has become a complete liability. He assures me that he had not indulged in any ritualistic fruit activities of late and that he is not to blame for their escape. But i don't trust him, he really doesn't care for or take any interest in our objectives whatsoever; all he seems to be interested in is digesting copious amounts of Space-cake. He really is the most irresponsible member of this enterprise. I have lost touch with my other two colleagues and it has been a struggle to keep my workload under control as between Junknut and i it seems to be only me who cares about this mission.
I think the Fruitlings could present a dangerous hazard, not only to our secrecy and stealth, but to the population of Terra-beings. I dread to think of what may happen if they manage to breed. Plus it has presented us with the problem of not being able to perform the fruit-ritual. As you know for our kind this is of extreme importance to our overall health and wellbeing. I must locate the whereabouts of the Fruitlings as soon as i can. I cannot bear this for much longer.........

End of transmission...........

Crazy Orchard

Fruity going on's.

#Day Four

Professor Langford of Oxford University, Pomologist.

I have been studying these strange fruits closely now, and I have noticed similar correlations between their civilizations and that of our own. There is a leader, a large banana that seems intent on peeling and exposing his flesh frequently. In fact, the whole frutarianism's seem to be very bent of sexual and vulgar displays. How very odd. It seems to have occurred around teh time the Alien Sighting took place. Various accounts of these beings were seen rubbing the fruit in various strange places, such as the nose, the head and the underarm. We must watch out for this banana for I have reason to believe he is highly sexed, and often swings from tree to tree. They live in small colonies in teepee's.

Conspiracy Corner Blog#1

Jeff Lange

Pole-Shift Alert
It has been brought to my attention recently that a major cataclysmic pole-shift will be taking place sometime around mid-March. Apparently Comet Elenin which caused a minor pole-shift in Febuary of last yeear will be the cause of this disaster. The Governments and the elite of the planet have known about this for some considerable time now but they have no intention of alerting the larger public because they know that they are safe; they have their underground bunkers already fixed up. Thankfully with the spread of this information online many people are now taking control of their own destinies and preparing for the worst. It is alleged that orders to major food processors for a six-month supply of emergency rations has been issued for the benefit of the eilte.
Once you have read this you do the decent thing and tell as many different people as you can, let's not go blindly into the dark here. We need to stop letting major information that is of importance to us be concealed by power-mongers who have been trying to control us for centuries. it's time to wake up folks.

Bankers Scam
Are you aware that you are owned by the banks? YOU are their property! YOU have let the Illuminati bankers steal your divine right to self-governance and autonomy. For every issue of currency we are being forced further and further into an impossible debt. This is the great scam of banking. The monopoly of our lives takes place while we are slowly conditioned by the mass media into an acceptance of the general state until it gets to the point where anyone who questions the status-quo is seen as merely a lunatic member of the fringe who harbours all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies.

These reptilian banker overlords have complete control over every aspect of the financial-political world, the control the Military-Industrial complex which commits crimes against humanity on a daily basis with a false decleration of "The furthering of Democracy". There is no such thing as Democracy let me make that very clear. What we have in it's place is a system of Fascism by public consent. And of course the economic collapse of late has been engineered to take place. The guys are very clever. They know how to manipulate the game and they use a very methodic and scientific process to control the economic fluxes.
Whilst they get very rich in real terms ie. land,property,gold,oil, hoarding of info etc. the "Cattle" as they see it are left to squabble over the abstraction that is "Cash"

I'm not paranoid!!......I'm Awake!

Aliens Spotted
Various sightings of of what can only be described as Aliens have been taking place with alarming rapidity in the past few weeks. One woman was so traumitised by her experience that she had to be admiited to a nearby medical facility for severe shock. Once she had recovered enough to be able to talk she gave her eye-witness report; here is what she said.
"I was out taking a little walk in the park, i can't walk far as i get out of breath and i don't walk very fast, my doctor has advised me to lose wieght immediately for risk of serious health-issues. Sorry, i'll cut to what i saw....It was horrible, i was walking along slowly, minding my own business when i heard some rustling to my right. I turned to look and what i saw i will never forget to my dying day. It was looking straight at me, and it's eyes, it's eyes were black...and massive. It had green skin and seemed to be wearing a silver suit. I screamed, but this thing just kept staring at me as if it was studying me. I shiver when i think of it, it has really shaken my nerves of late. I must have turned eventually and tried to get away as fast as i could and i don't really remember much else apart from feeling terribly drained by the whole affair."
This poor woman has obviously had a terrible experience and for people who doubt that aliens are amongst us let me make this very clear. THEY ARE HERE....Yes that's right folks, they have been among us for many years now. I know personally that i have had experienced various very strange time anomolies; i wake up with no recollection of the previous day and seem to suffer from acute sensitivity to bright light. Now i'm not going to come straight out and declare that i have been abducted, i would be labelled a nut anyway, but read between the lines my friends, read between the lines!

I swear i'm not paranoid

Take care folks! Jeff Lange signing out.........

Terra Blog #2

Prof: Squidgebutt

'Good morning to the people of Elooh. Today the weather is mild. The pink, elongated beings I have been observing closely for the past few days. They seem to spend a lot of time with short, hairy creatures with very limited vocal skills, in the place where I have been subtly watching behind a privet bush.

Footnote: One of the humanoids discovered my observatory post. I have since learnt that this humanoid it of the female variety, communicated with a high-pitched shrill noise. I will study this noise for more in-depth analysis. The creature was unusual, highly animated and was top heavy. Similar aspects to that over a plump hen



..End of transmission'

An Aliens view of Terra

Prof: Annu

"Prof: Squidgebutt and i have been surveying the general cultural level of these elongated primates now for a considerable time. It appears they have developed a level of sadistic behaviour which is in keeping with the less well developed of the galaxy. Our party of four has been split into two units; unfortunately we have no idea where Prof: Junknut and Prof: Quink have ended up and we do hope that they are safe. With the violent attributes of these primates in full evidence on a daily basis now we can only pray to the great God Izaboo that they are safe and still in complete control of their faculties. My colleague and i have always been of the belief that these two Professors are somewhat irresponsible and could get up to all sorts of crazy adventures. We are of the view that it was wrong of the Mission Control to send them as part of this group..
I shall digress no further however. And i shall be reporting frequently on the general intelligence and behavioral patterns of these creatures.
One aspect of their culture which i find to be most amusing and somewhat tragic is that these Terra-beings cannot seem to agree on their consensus belief systems. They are always arguing and squabbling about which of their Gods is the one true God. One faction of primates believes in a stern and unforgiving God called Jehovah. This deity seems to us to be a particularly atavistic and brutal entity, lacking in compassion for His followers; His followers also refer to him as Father. This Jehovah faction is split into various sects which seem to disagree on various issues. One of the sects is called "Judaism" another is called "Christianity" these sects confusingly are also divided further into sub-sections, it is very confusing and one wonders if these creatures are not mentally ill.
Now, the Christian sect believe in a Godling called "Jesus" who according to them is Gods only son but also paradoxically God Himself. He was born of a non-sexualized primate called Mary. There are some really bizarre elements to this sect. One of which is that the Christian Terra-beings, the ones that belong to the sub-sect called "Catholicism" like to eat and drink the body and blood of this Godling Jesus. They perform a thing called a mass in which by eating bread and drinking wine they are in communion with their God. They also belief that he died on a cross for the sins of all Terra-beings. It is all very strange indeed and i along with Prof: Squidgebutt shall be doing more research on these issues.

All Hail Izaboo

End of Transmission......."

The World According to a Mr. F. Rotten

The trouble with todays society is that there are far too many immigrants, in my day we had good old British values, now it's all multiculturalism which has truly messed our country up. What is wrong with Britain for the British anyway? I mean I'm not a racist but these Pakistanis with their weird viewpoints and their horrible curries and these Blacks, well i just don't get along with them, i just don't think they belong here.

Oh another thing i don't like is kids and teenagers, bloody no good the lot of them, in my day we had respect, fat chance of that these days. They should bring back National Service, get them fighting for their country, yeah sure a few of them might get killed serving in the forces but at least they will have learnt to be real men, which is far from what they are now, all this metro-sexual bull, they need a good kick up the ass I tell you.
Oh and kids, they should be put to work as soon as they can walk for Christ sake, too much laziness these days, too many pampered little mummies boys and daddies girls, meh, hate the lot of them. Rant rant rant ................................................. Oh and another thing........Neer Neer to hell with the lot of you...............

The previous little bit of writing was for satirical purposes and not intended to insult or offend anyone.

Subject V Object

Xavier T. Dible

"We are all greater artists than we realise."

Is there an objective truth? Or can we postulate that there is only a relative state of perception. Out of the millions of signals that our brains receive, it organizes, edits, censors and constructs the three-dimensional reality that we assume to be the "Real" reality. But of course as we become more and more aware of this process we can acknowledge that it is merely our own perceptions, our reality-tunnels which determines how we view and construct our mental lives.
This is one of the main problems in true communication. We hold our ideals close to us as sacred cows and we easily dismiss those who hold different opinions as cranks or zealots, therefore we could spend our entire lives at loggerheads with other peoples views when instead we can appreciate that there are thousands upon thousands of differing "Realities" each constructed as a perfect work of art in the head of any individual.

The acceptance of relativity in terms of truth and morality can save us all a lot of heartache. Once we accept that different cultures view things through their own particular filter we can begin to relax and enjoy the show.
Fundamentalists and bigots however never seem to grasp this intuitive paradox of mind; they proclaim their views as the only true and correct way of seeing things. And fundamentalism can exist in many differing idealisms. A scientific materialist would say that his model of reality is the correct one and that anyone who holds a more mystical or spiritual viewpoint is deluded. The same is true of those uptight Christians and Muslims who can never seem to grasp the enlightening and illuminating fact that nothing is truly objective. When you mention to them that perhaps there is no God, they can't handle this horrendous dialectic and will insult you for even mentioning the idea.
Now of course no-one can say that there is no god. Atheists hold just as much faith in the fact that there is no God as do true believers that there is a God.

"The following sentence is true.
The preceding sentence is false."

The truly wise person intuitively understands all of these ideas and realizes that the brain is the master artist of reality; and that the great architect is a projection of ourselves. The subject at one with the object.

Re-Animating the Mind and Senses

Every seven years we regenerate. Our atoms are shed, we form new ones, the double-helix is the hidden variable link.
When we exercise, our bones reform, and re-emerge with new formations. our brains are made up of complex networking systems that are still untapped by the human psyche. It is in there, but it is like a lost treasure, waiting to be re-discovered.

Re-Programming Oneself to Positivity and Clarity.

On the surface, this section does indeed sound like a little bit of pseudo science, or even dare we say 'New Age y'. Rest assured, I am an advocate for neither. Rather, an advocate of open-mindedness. I like to explore any possibility, any theory that opens up into another branch of thinking. Our thoughts are like a tree. From one branch sprouts another, and when these ideas take a little meaning, take on a little basis, formation, we then begin to see the leafs, that blossom into a fully plausible and likeable theory. We tend to like things that feel right. That has a certain element of symmetry. We are attracted to beautiful things for one of the reasons afore mentioned. Because it feels right. Of course, there are many other forms in which this beautiful symmetry can unfold, take shape and release its potential. Ideas are everywhere. All you've got to do, it to open your eyes. No point looking with your eyes wide SHUT.